I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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