Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Dear god my vagina.
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