Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
