my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
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