I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
