he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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