my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
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