This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize