I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
