what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Randomize
