I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Randomize
