Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
