Betty ford says i'm here all night
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Randomize
