If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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