Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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