last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
