Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize