he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
