Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
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