that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
