singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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