I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
