i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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