Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
