please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
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