I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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