My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
