hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Randomize
