I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
