I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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