I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
