He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
