she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
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