You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
