Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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