Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Randomize
