how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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