I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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