I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
No I am not eating basil off your cock
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
