i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
You left your underwear on the fireplace
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
Randomize
