theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
