You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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