Only a mothe r could love this liver
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
