why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Randomize
