My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
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