Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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