how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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