cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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