dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Drunk is a universal language darling
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
