totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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