i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
