life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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