i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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