i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
