Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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