My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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