if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
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