i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
