So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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