dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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