Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
