I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
