Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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